Posted on November 23, 2011



**due to technical difficulties/shame, I have only just posted this but it was current as of the 17th**

Twilight – Breaking Dawn

There are some things I’ll never understand.

These include, but are not limited to:

The appeal of fantasy sports; why Helena Bonham Carter always dresses like a witch; why teenagers wear shorts that show their ass cheeks; and why, despite hating the previous three movies (ok two, I quite liked the first one) I have bought tickets to see Twilight IV tonight.

Let me put this plainly:  I am 30 and I’m about to go and watch the fourth consecutive Twilight film less than 24 hours after it was released.  Just me, 650 tweens and my friend Jaci.

I want you to understand the full implications of this.  Just so we’re clear, I went on the internet yesterday, booked the tickets and then wrote down a confirmation code which I will use tonight when picking up those tickets which I purchased in advance.

When it dawned on me what I had done, I went into lockdown mode and refused to confirm or deny that I was even going to see the film when quizzed by a suspicious friend.  This is largely because I:

a)    hated myself a little bit

b)    was aware that any outwardly expressed allegiance to Twilight is the social equivalent of having leprosy amongst our friends who all have PhDs and are uber trendy and such.


I told myself this pre-emptive internet ticketing measure was because I wanted to avoid hoards of screaming teenagers who I would want to punch in the face – both for wearing teeny tiny denim shorts and their rabid, nonsensical response to a chain-smoking Englishman portraying a 100-year-old vampire.

In my own defence, I do want to punch these super enthusiastic tweens in the face, and I don’t like waiting in lines or inappropriate shorts; but I am quietly confident that I’ll have to form an orderly queue to score a seat this evening and I won’t make a fuss about it.

My resolve faltered somewhat when I heard that the vampire in question recently stated in an interview that he would “mindlessly hate” the Twilight movies if he wasn’t starring in them.  But he took his $12 million pay packet on the chin and signed up for all five movies –  bless his cold, dead heart.

What I’m trying to say is that I am inexplicably yet genuinely keen to see the next instalment of Vampire vs Werewolf feat. skinny-white-girl-with-pained-expression.

And I really am.

So what?


What has happened to me?

I swear it’s like I’ve been given some kind of vampiric Ketamine which enables me to disassociate with the social trauma of seeing this film in order to satiate my curiosity about it.

Marketing works, man.

You see, I have a long and storied history with this book series.  And by long and storied, I mean I spent around eight days straight in the summer of 08/09 languishing in the spa at my cousin’s house in Sydney reading all four books in succession after being gifted the series for Christmas.

It was the perfect summer read and everything I wanted in a man book at the time.

I will always remember that summer as the one where I didn’t talk to anyone for a week and experienced mild asthmatic symptoms whenever people told me to put the book down so I could eat/sleep/bathe.

So I naturally I was curious to see how the story would be interpreted through film.


Not a fan.  Just curious.

I also am yet to determine whether I am on Team Edward or Team Jacob and feel that spending another $18.50 on a movie ticket I’m pretty sure I’m going to regret is a worthwhile investment.  If for no other reason than I will be able to engage in meaningful conversations with youth kids at my church.


So to get the ball rolling ahead of tonight, I have made a list of the defining characteristics of both characters:


  • Old
  • Pale
  • Venomous


  • Young
  • Furry
  • Carnivorous

It’s not looking too good either way.  I feel like I’m being asked to rate who is better between Al-Queda and Hezbollah.

For the record, phonetically-speaking I choose Hezbollah every time.  To me the sound conjures up thoughts of delicious, Jewish food.

While that’s probably not the criteria most Islamic extremist groups would like to be judged by, it is all I am willing to afford them while they continue to blow people up and spew hate on the internets like petulant teenagers while wearing funny hats that provide no sun protection.

Also, I quite enjoy the thought of comparing militant extremists with food which will eventually be pooped out and washed away into a sewer where a rat will come across it exclaim ‘what the hell did you eat, yo?’

Islamic extremists, that’s what.

So what’s the lesson here?

A)    Don’t be a militant extremist of any kind (Twi-hards/Hezbollah et al), or you will be pooped into a sewer where even rats will reject you.

B)   I need to own my choices.  AKA get over the fact that I am embarrassed about pre-booking tickets to Twilight because I WANT to go and see a film that I am 90% sure is going to be lame.

C)   Fantasy sports are also lame.

Yours for age-appropriate relationships,

LK x


Posted in: Real Stories