iFOP
About once every six weeks I become convinced beyond any shadow of a doubt that I am pregnant.
It’s like a lunar cycle – only longer and more stressful.
I realised I had a problem the other day when I was at the hairdresser having some regrowth issues dealt with when I inexplicably started panicking that I had begun to ‘regrowth’ internally.
Perhaps it was all the peroxide and hairspray, but I went into an absolute tailspin.
I bolted out the salon as soon as I could extricate myself from the clutches of gushy stylists wearing leather pants and into the nearest discount chemist warehouse.
I purchased (another) bulk packet of First Response kits and then legged it to the car.
On the way home I realised to my horror that I had promised my Man Candy I’d get his car detailed. I pull in to Flufferz, cursing my wifely duties, just about in early faux labour from the stress, throw my keys at the bewildered man serving me and run around the back to the toilets.
The ladies toilet was in use (come on!) so I was forced into the abyss that is The Public Disabled Toilet (PDT). I don’t know what goes in those places, but they all smell the same.
But such was the level of my iFOP that I pushed aside my revulsion at the stench, the suspiciously wet floor and the rubbish and went about discovering if I was able to eat soft cheese that night.
After an excruciating 60 seconds, First Response assured me I could rock all the double brie in France. But I did another test just to be sure.
I aged about a decade over the course of that afternoon, but it was a small price to pay to not have to worry about stretch marks.
iFOP – the new adrenaline sport.
Yours neurotically,
LK
This post is dedicated (with apologies) to O, A & R…
dayaal
June 17, 2011
While I appreciate the gravity of the situation, do you realise the extent to which every paragraph of this post highlights how white-middle-class-chick you are? I suspect that you do.
Veruca
January 5, 2012
We’ve arirved at the end of the line and I have what I need!
Ladyketo
June 17, 2011
Lady Gaga says I was born this way.
Also, have you seen this? http://twitter.com/#!/whitegrlproblem
Miller Veld
June 17, 2011
I like that you were born this way.
Yes, yes, the public-toilet door-slamming, chemist-paper-bag-ripping, package-fumbling (damn those safety seals they put on frickin’ everything)…and then they expect you to hold that stick still, AND NOT PEE ON YOUR HAND or anything else for that matter while you have enough adrenaline pumping around your non-pregnant bod to be able to successfully take down a grizzly bear.
Not to mention balancing on high heels and being hogtied at the calves by a firm pair of pantyhose all the while.
It’s a man’s world.
Ladyketo
June 17, 2011
It seems we are kindreds, Miller Veld. I find the stage fright the most frustrating thing. When you’re desperate to get the test over with and then ‘Bladder says: No’. Jerk bladders. xx
Brenda
June 17, 2011
I felt the same way as you. I did a test at lunch time at work only to find out I was pregnant. As it turns out Archie is the best thing that ever happened to me.
Ladyketo
June 17, 2011
Take THAT iFOP!
xx
Cal
June 17, 2011
That Bren is called ‘RFOP,’ Rational Fear of Pregnancy.
Speaking of Archie, have you been updated with the brief Christian period in the comics. It’s pretty hilarious. http://generationexploitation.blogspot.com/2006/06/history-of-christian-archi_114951302719460209.html
Carrieann
January 5, 2012
This is ecaxlty what I was looking for. Thanks for writing!
Alastair Earl
June 17, 2011
Kates, just because your only having sex once every six months, that doesn’t always mean you will automatically fall pregnant….. I’m with you on the public toilets tho, I don’t use them unless its an emergency. In this rare case I touch nothing but myself.
Ladyketo
June 20, 2011
Just another day at the office, huh??
Jen
June 18, 2011
I’m believing your never going to get stretch marks!!!
your funny (could also be that I am up feeding Charlie at 11.30pm so my understanding of this fear is greatly enhanced)!!
Bob Loblaw
June 19, 2011
IFOP is even funnier for people who are not actually having sex. It makes it far more irrational. Ah the sad sad life of unmarried christian 20-something women (yeah you all know what I’m talking about). For the rest of you marrieds, it’s just FOP.
Ladyketo
June 20, 2011
You make a valid point, Bob. I read a story about a mormon teenage couple who mysteriously got pregnant through underwear. By this I assume they were wearing underwear, which got the ball rolling, and then when the underwear came off things escalated and they got pregnant. What’s the lesson here? Don’t wear underwear – it will get you pregnant…
Bron
June 21, 2011
Guys may have look away now. You need to find a friend with a cycle in sync. My best friend was exactly in sync with me, start to finish. we figured it out she was pregnant when i wanted to go buy more womanly things and she realised she hadn’t needed any so i made her buy a home test.